Neighing

SAD Axiom: entertain a hundred times the money, or other good deed
Make ... And then refuse to 101-th ... And by shit going worse than that
who immediately sent to the dick.

How to deal with in koppuptsiey strane, Where are konvepty cdelany Po shirine
kupyup?

- We have such a sign at the factory - if the foreman shouted, then
once again assembled a tractor ..
- And what then collected?
- And that's screaming - and then collected ..

Cultural man never obzovet you n # d @ p @ som ...
He says "You may well be to act on the modern stage" ...

- Why is a woman, even if willing to say "yes", anyway, first to say "no"?
- If she immediately says yes, then say, in fact, no longer about ...

Blame this prank belongs, according to legend, the remarkable Russian-Soviet poet Mikhail Svetlov. Already being an older man, at sunset, so to speak, years, he played his wife like this.
"Honey" - the poet said - "I owe you discover the secret that I wore a lot of years. I can not hide it."
"Speak!" - Strained his wife, sensing evil.
"I want you to forgive me in advance .. I can no longer lie."
"Come, come, do not pull!" (You can imagine the state of an elderly woman)
"Our daughter - not from you!"
"What ????" - Hysterically cried poor old woman. And then - a moment - already a sigh of relief: "I-dddd-BCI ..."

Previously, to make it rain, the shaman beat a drum or sacrificed virgins. And now, enough to wash a car ...

This St. Petersburg gentleman never says, "I by ** y!" - And says: "It's beneath my dignity" ...

I work in a small company with a friendly team. In the morning I sit, call up on projects, in the end decided to dial a friend, with whom we agreed to go to
trenazherku .. Well, well, an official tone:
- Viktor, a good day! We've got a meeting with you, you are not forgotten? It would not come, you WTF????
* Everyone turns on me head ...
- Again, you'll plump, with a "ka? Thus, in order to 8 dragged his ass, and I'll give you an egg Wild Child!
And hang up. Nachalneg thoughtfully:
- Correctly, the plan should be done ..

"Optimal price-quality ratio", usually means "garbage, but cheap" ...


I bought a Chinese towel. It says:
"TOWEL STERILNOEBANNOE. Obviously, missing a space.
But where exactly?

They decided to go with a friend in a sauna. Once at school together and practiced. But since ancient times, not seen, but suddenly met.
A friend called:
- Hi, zaedesh night?
- No, go to the bath with a friend.
- Together?
- Yes, have decided to take a steam, and chat.
- And can I contact you?
- Oh, you get what I'm with a lady, and he will be bored alone ...
- Well, I can take a friend with him ... I have a reliable friend.
- I mean, reliable?
- In direct, as you say: "Reliable, as AKM - trouble-free" ...
- I'll talk with a friend and let you know.
I call my friend, explain the situation, he doubtfully:
- It is exactly trouble-free?
- Of course - I say, and to supplement the credibility of the imagination - he checked!
- Well, well!
And we should also happens that my girlfriend came to his wife ....

yyy, situevina

There was another situation. Spent the night at his parents. Middle of the night awake, sex. The apartment is a stranger, no napkins, no towels at hand, underwear sorry. Released into the corridor, lodoshkoy prekryvayu not to blow the whistle, the bathroom bump-in-law, she, too, but naked with a towel between his legs, hair dissolved. In-law said to me: "Go first, I even have a towel." In the bathroom quickly substitution, go out, I hear the water in the kitchen, I think should be in-law say that the bath is free, and there father in law a member in the washer washes, I'm on inertia: "a free bath. From fear froze and did not prekryvayus. He looked at me all and said: "Thank you, and I was comfortable here." I jumped out, and now Mother In Law comes from the toilet, had no towels. I told her: "free bath and kitchen busy. It is with dismay: "There Vitaly (her son)?", "No, Michael E. (her husband)" - and the answer to yourself.
I think that now give robe. Nedozhdalas.

signs of the Russian people:
Delightedly matter in the British Museum.
-Maybe seven days go by train to one day visit with a distant relative.
, Do not snack after the first, even under pain of death. And also after the second, third and, I think, fourth and fifth.
-Walks into the garage, to the bathhouse, fishing, hunting, and the theater to drink. He walks to his mistress, that she had to drink
It is easily is cut with the most exquisite dish with a tablespoon.

In the Odessa High School:
- Fersman name the imperative verb "be silent!
- Sha!

At the exam at a medical school student persistently called liver "liver". Finally, the teacher does not stand:
- Are you in the market? What are "liver"! Liver! Note: ne-ry!
Once again I hear this - pasture. Go to the next question.
Student timidly begins:
- Drake - it ..

At the cemetery during the funeral undertakers foreman sees that the dead man from the breast pocket of his coat sticking 50-ruble note. He immediately asked one of his brigade, under any pretext to push people from the grave. When this was done, and he reached for the banknote, the dead man suddenly grabs his arm and shouted:
- Halogovaya police! The control dumping!
- Do you own paper reveals, as I have mine, - said bpigadip and scored in the covers gpoba nails ...

Stapshy bpat Vovochka each utpo bpeetsya, sits in the car and drives off ..
Little Johnny peshil find out what's the matter with utpa sppyatalsya in the car under the rear
seat.
Vovochkin bpat going to gopod, removes the Virgins, moved her into the woods and sppashivaet:.
"Will you give?" Virgins govopit: "Nope!", Then he govopit her: "HEY! Then go on foot.
and leaves ...
During the next utpo Vovochka bpeetsya, sits on the bike and rides K.
classmate, puts it on pamu and luck in papk. Spashivaet her: "Will you give?".
she answers: "Give myself!". Little Johnny thought long and govopit: "Ha your bike and
go ahead, but I'll make it home on foot ...".

A hurry is when shave and cocoa together

Better to see once than hear a hundred times. Or even better feel.
And it is really excellent - bang!

Dropped vodka on the floor ... Mishka severed hands.

My husband at night to his wife sticks it to any, they say, tired, work, dishes, cooking, laundry, etc. .. He:
- Hey, come on then in Brazilian? She got interested in:
- And how is it? Well, let's ... My husband usually perched, as usual here and there, then finished as usual, fell and began to snore ... She:
- Nice, but where does Brazil? He has a dream:
- And, sorry, ... (And whisper) Cha-cha-cha ...

- Our break through the protection of a rival! Very accurate pass! See our three against one goalie!! They pasuyutsya! Aah! Knaves! BLOW! GAAAAAN-DOOOOO-NYYYY Durex OUR CURRENT SPONSORS!

Policeman slows the car for speeding. From there, "hover" in the trash drunken lady. Spits on the road candy and says:
"The commander does not believe it - with liquor got!".

- Shopping center "Closed." We have already opened! "Closed" open around the clock. When the other closed, "Closed" Open!

At the final stop of the trolley driver finds in the cabin elderly lady unconscious. Well, he brought her to the feelings and asks: What happened?
The lady replied:
- In front of me on the seat rode two decent young man and an intelligent kind of conversation were, about computers. And then another one says:
- I HOP THE TWIG mother last night, so I'm with her all night fuck, and morning brains pulled out, carried to the market and sold.

The teacher asks:
- What happens if devouring the kernel, would hit a wall in non-destructive?
Little Johnny:
- Vodka will rise in price, Chenopodium Ivanovna!
- Why? ...
- And my father always says: "In Russia we always do, at first some incomprehensible fuynya happen, then more expensive vodka."


- Who yesterday watched a horror film?
- J.
- Come and take away a

When Fortune turns his back,
Fimida automatically rotated before!

In every woman's life is three periods: the first, it acts on the nerves of his father, the second-husband, and in the third-in-law.

By city bus rushes.
The passenger handed the money in advance:
- Please tell the driver a wreath ...

Lecture on history. Instructor:
- Here in Russia for centuries
always had three questions
"Who is to blame?", "What?"
And who knows the third?
Silence. And suddenly, with the last series
- "Do you respect me?"


Night. A knock at the door. Disturbing a woman's voice:
- Who's there?
- Lieutenant Rzhevski, Madame!
- Will again be talking shit and asking me?
- Of course!
- Wait, I'll find key ...

Heard at the Minsk Radio Rocks. One of these days (outside the end of May, it is also important), listen to the evening program on request. DJ reads a letter:
"Hello, favorite radio. Write to you so and so. My Tiffany (last name, first name) 17 October birthday, she turns 65. Please put a song for her DDT LAST FALL."

- Hello, I got there?
- No, you were not there. You send, which do you want?

I went to the toilet door, pulling the knob - locked. "Well I did give up something quickly?" - I think I begin to violently yank the door. Because of her muffled voice:
- Yes, busy, EPT!
- Oh, pardon me.
Pause ... kryahtyaschy voice:
- Silvuple, b ** qk ...

A man woke his wife at night and handed her a glass of water and two aspirin.
Wife:
- What are you doing?
Male:
- Why, you pills for a headache.
Wife:
- But I have a headache.
Male (removing pants):
- AGAAA !!!...

- Doctor, but I will be beer?
- What is beer?
- Well-at, in the future?
- What future?

- I'm sick of this life. Two days ago you came home yesterday, you came today. If you come today, tomorrow, the day after I filed for divorce! "Clearly explained?

We are the men harder:
On the one hand want everything to be beautiful, we meekly surrendered,
On the other hand - the daughters must be taught quite differently.

- Hello Doctor, I come to you with a bunch!
- Well, where are the flowers?
- Who said anything about flowers?

Extreme super

Funny quotes from the explanatory notes after the accident

I was driving behind a car. Suddenly he began to blink once both "turn signals". I could not understand in which direction it turns and crashed into him.

The accident occurred because the insured motorbike drove into me with an irresistible horsepower.

I wanted to press the brake pedal, but could not find it.
Because of severe damage to my bike and me had to be towed.

Yes, I hit a pedestrian. But guilt is confirmed by the fact that it is already happening.

Your arguments are ridiculous. For such excuses find yourself someone more foolish me, although you can hardly find.

I rode along the right side of Prospect Mira in the direction of the center with a speed of 40 km / h. Suddenly, the road ran a child, and I braked. Follow me driver decided to take advantage of this and ran into me.

Policeman told me to stop, and I drove into the pole.

I saw that the pedestrian does not know which way to go to him, and ran at him.

My son did not beating down any woman. He drove past her. And the injuries she inflicted airflow.

My bike flew out from the footpath, rammed a parked Porsche, and drove on without me.

I crossed the street. From left to right at me was driving a car. I thought that it will pass by, and took a step back. But she turned her back on me. When I saw it, I took two steps forward.

The driver did not react and continued to go at me. Then he shouted: "Stay where you are, you idiot!" , I got up, here he ran at me.

Yesterday evening, returning home, I drove a car into the fence.

This is to inform about it only to cover the damage the car, because I managed to escape from the scene unnoticed.

According to my estimates, the damage ranges from 250 thousand to a quarter of a million euros.

At the intersection with I had a sudden rush of color blindness.

Member accident crashed into me without informing me in advance of their intentions.

In an accident at fault, not I, a young girl in a mini-skirt, which took place on the sidewalk! If you are a man, you this explanation is sufficient, but if a woman, you still do not understand!

Pedestrians ran to my car and silently disappeared under the wheels.

Even before I hit him, it was clear that this old man will not reach the other side of the street.

It is an invisible car came out of nowhere and crashed into me and just disappeared.

After four years away, I fell asleep while driving.

At a time when I wanted to kill a fly, I hit a telegraph pole.

I've seen floating slowly past the sad face of a pedestrian, and then he hit me in the windshield.

The injured horse was crossing the road without making sure there is no interference!

The car the victim was moving left, then right, then left again, until I finally could not sink it.

I went back and therefore could not see how the front car drove up and bumped into me on the left and right.

A deer took his feet in his hands and disappeared into the bushes, not caring about their pa <nd>.

On the road to suicidal dash jumped hare. He managed to kill himself at the cost of my new bumper

Pedestrian ran along the road at the drop of a hat. I was forced to actively maneuver to run over him.

I was driving along the road. Suddenly, the right and the left got a lot of machines. I did not know where to turn, and crashed into a car in front and behind.

When entering the left turn has brought me, I hit a small collapse (I hail flying bananas and oranges!), Then pulled down standing on the roadside mailbox, then I was thrown into oncoming traffic, I rammed two parked cars and fell under the slope of the road. After this I, unfortunately, lost control of the machine.

My fiancee showed policemen who worked at the site of the accident, everything that could possibly want to see.

New Russian bought a jeep and parked it near the house.
In the evening goes wino and reads the back of the Jeep 4x4. Without stopping to think, gets a nail and scratch: 4x4 = 16.
In the morning the evil boss is going to service and fill this place. The next day the story is repeated, and so the whole week. In the end, exhausted, the owner of the jeep is in the service and requests the set as a brand label 4x4 = 16. Satisfied he was going home, park the car near the house ....
Loading evening boozer and sees: 4x4 = 16 ... Glad pulls a nail, and wrote: "Right" ...

Few people know that besides izvetnogo men's magazine Maxim, published children's magazine "Maxim". Topics:
- My mother dressed you at all? How to avoid embarrassment
- Mouth to mouth - turns microbe!
- Tigress in bed. And from what toys do you sleep?
- Crying or simulated?
- And what poses you prefer? Playing in the "Marine figure Stay"
- How to behave in bed on a quiet hour?
- Again, did not let? How to teach the girls to share toys.

- Hello!
- Hello, Doctor!
- Well, proceed. Smoke?
- Well, not quite ...
- Not really? How?
- Well I'm a passive smoker ... More smoke, but I'm breathing ...
- Ah, I see ... Thus, further ... Screwing in?
- Well, not quite ...

And this probably should have been toast in the topic "Titten ...", I give:

If all women had no breasts, then in the subway cars would be much
spacious. So let us drink to those for whom our train sometimes impossible to squeeze!

cool.
http://auto.drom.ru/?id=3249971
price tag was 300 thousand rubles.

Today article on the eye about UAZ caught
Buy UAZ it's a comfortable lounge,
energy intensive modern suspension,
Lifestyle engine ....
Well, stuff like that

Forest09
but about what? ... Specify ...

There kankretno not written, but somehow I came to the head 469

№ 5. The guy came with a shotgun to rob the store. Taking the money, he wanted to add to "catch" a bottle of whiskey. Seller doubted, whether the robber has reached adulthood. Then the guy dispelled doubts about the seller, taking a driver's license. A bottle of whiskey he had been given. However long it free drank offender because the seller was able to remember the name and address listed in the rights.

№ 4. The woman told police the number of his mobile, left in a stolen car. Police by dialing cherished number, said the person that is calling the ad for the sale of cars. Joyful offender immediately set up a meeting, where he was arrested.

№ 3. Newbie in the robbery went to the office «Bank of America». Having the form, the robber began to write their demands. The queue to the cashier was too long, so the guy decided to go to present their claims to the nearby «Wells Fargo Bank». When he handed the form to claim a large sum of money, savvy cashier said she could not take the form of another bank. Frustrated offender sneaked into the first bank, where he overtook the guardians of the law.

№ 2. Young people interested in police officers who showed the children work in the patrol car computer. Asking how a computer works, the guy got the answer almost: police drove these rights guy, and it became clear that it would be better guy walked down from the outset by and not interested in what does not concern him. Парень был арестован, так как компьютер уличил его в вооруженном ограблении.

№ 1. И, наконец, самое-пресамое глупое преступление десятилетия. Американец застраховал коробку очень дорогих и редких сигар. Выкурив их, через месяц он обратился в страховую компанию с заявлением, что сигары были утрачены в связи с «серией маленьких пожаров». Страховщики отказались платить. Мужчина обратился в суд, и суд признал, что истец прав! Он получил 15 тыс. долларов. Однако насладиться плодами своей хитрости американцу не удалось: сразу после получения наличных его арестовали. На основании того же полиса американцу инкриминировались 24 эпизода умышленного уничтожения застрахованного имущества через поджог. За такое преступление его обязали заплатить 24 тыс. долларов штрафа, да еще к двум годам лишения свободы приговорили.

спасибо!, улыбнуло!!!!

дурные америкосы!

Знаете ли вы ,чем отличаются лето от зимы в сибирских городах .....?
Зимой там люди ходят в застегнутых фыфайках....а летом...

Сижу дома, жена работает за компьютером, тишина спокойствие ... Тут раздается грохот, и я наблюдаю монитор лежащий на клавиатуре и очумевшее лицо супруги.
Кое-как, сдерживая эмоции, рвущиеся наружу, пытаюсь осознать смысл происходящего... Супруга последние полгода работала за ноутбуком, крышку решила закрыть.
**
Жена мужу:
- Я тебя просила 2 гвоздя в стену вбить!
- А я вбил!
- Вбил?! А куда я теперь утюг, б**, включать буду?


Маленькая Виктория уже было принялась закапывать ямку под деревом в саду, когда из-за забора показалось приветливое лицо её соседа, достопочтенного мистера Уолтера. Заинтересовавшись тем, что делала девочка, мистер Уолтер вежливо полюбопытствовал:
- Что ты там закапываешь, малышка?
- Мою золотую рыбку, сэр, - всхлипывая отвечала Виктория, - теперь она похоронена...
Расчувствовавшись от увиденного, Мистер Уолтер позволил себе лишь заметить вслух:
- Какая однако большая ямка для такой маленькой несчастной золотой рыбки...
Бросив последний совочек земли, Виктория неожиданно затихла, а потом обратив к добросердечному соседу своё искажённое от переживаний лицо прокричала:
- Это всё потому, что она внутри Вашего ё**ного кота!

- И все-таки жаль, что молодёжь уже не помнит, кто такие Достоевский, Герцен, Белинский!...
- А Грибоедов!!! Вы посмотрите, сколько грибоедов среди современной молодёжи!!!

Нет - зарплате в конвертах, да - зарплате в бандеролях!!!

Купил один мебель. Пытается затащить через лестничную дверь в
apartment. Диван застрял. На площадку выходит сосед.
- Слушай, сосед, помоги протащить этот чертов диван.
Стали тащить вдвоем. Пыхтят, упираются - диван ни с места. He
кто купил:
- Ладно, хватит. Чувствую, мы его никогда не втащим.
- Втащим?!

Олимпиада 2020г. "Спортивная гимнастика. Первое золото досталось
Румынии".
Румынка Ян Илинь выиграла свое первое золото на нынешней Олимпиаде.
Он стала лучшей в состязании на брусьях. Всего на 0,25 балла она
опередила американку Хэ Кэсинь. Бронза - у украинки Ву Цзинью.
Россиянка Ли Сяопэн в этом виде в финал не пробилась.
Women. Брусья
1 Ян Илинь (Румыния) 16,200
2. Хэ Кэсинь (США) 16,175
3. Ву Цзинью (Украина) 15,875

На телеге через лес едут Ваня и Маня...Едут долго,молчат...Ваня вдруг спросил:
-А че Мань,у тя картоха цветет?
-Ну ты Вань прямо мачо!!! Пару слов сказал и я уже согласная!!!


Маленький мальчик роется в песочнице и находит Октябрятский значек.
Подбежав к папе, он взахлеб спрашивает:
- Папа, папа, а как зовут этого Покемона?

мож баян...
- За такие деньги мог бы какую-нибудь праворукую япошку взять. Куда смотрел? - молча рассуждал Владимир Владимирович, вытирая грязные руки об засаленную тряпку. - Надо же так назвать "Нива", Прям комбаин какой-то.

GLUE
Друг уезжал в Индию на месяц. Прошлой осенью. Предложил мне пожить у него, поскольку самка человека, с которой он недавно расстался, в припадке неудовлетворенных амбиций, подожгла ему дверь. У двери сгорела дерматиновая обивка, уродливо обнажив металлический остов. Вход в жилище стал выглядеть подозрительно. Друг не рискнул оставлять хату в таком виде без присмотра. Я у него поселился.
Я писал сценарии к сериалу. Стремясь заработать, как можно больше денег, я все время проводил за компьютером, судорожно набивая какую-то форматную ересь. Выходил на улицу, исключительно, за сигаретами, «Чудо-СволочкАми» и растворимым кофе. Падал спать в 10 утра. В восемь вечера, страшный и небритый, жрал перед телевизором сволочкИ, пил растворимый кофе, и садился за компьютер. Курить и печатать.
Компьютер друга никакими выдающимися особенностями не обладал, за исключением одной – немецкая клавиатура. Возможно, из-за некоторого несовпада с английской клавой, или по каким либо иным причинам, несколько букв были написаны от руки на маленьких бумажных квадратиках, и приклеены скотчем поверх клавиш с какими-то, совсем уж фашистскими умляутами.
Через неделю бумажки стали отлетать. И это стало невообразимо бесить: Буква «Y» (она же – «Н») постоянно липла к среднему пальцу левой руки.
В три часа одной из ночей, я решил озадачиться поисками клея…
…К пяти утра, перерыв всю квартиру вверх дном, я нашел маленький такой тюбик. Тюбичек. К тюбику прилагалась инструкция, подтверждающая, что содержимое данного тюбика – именно, клей. Еще в инструкции было написано, что это – не просто клей, а клей-весь-из-себя-супермоментальный, который клеит все и сразу. И намертво. И вообще: ему, этому клею – без разницы, что к чему клеить. Хоть гирю к наволочке. Главное – осторожно.
Усвоив прочитанное, я посмеялся и попытался открыть тюбик. Х..й! Крышка, в своей фабричной первозданности, была намертво прихвачена содержимым к металлической основе тюбика. «Сука!..» - подумал я и попробовал отвинтить крышку зубами. Откусив часть пластика, понял, что пассатижи – это выход.
Через двадцать минут я нашел в шкафчике над унитазом двое отличных пассатиж.
Еще через двадцать минут, я понял, что пассатижи – это не выход. На кухне, я зажал хвост тюбика дверью холодильника, и принялся открамсывать крупными портновскими ножницами крышку по частям, в надежде добраться, наконец, до клея.
Не я добрался до клея – клей сам добрался до меня. Тюбик изящно лопнул в месте сгиба, повергая в смятение ангелов, кружащих надо мной.
Я никогда в жизни не встречал более качественного продукта, потому что через секунду:
тюбик выскочил и намертво прилип к свитеру;
лезвия ножниц слиплись на веки;
дверь холодильника перестала открываться – резиновый уплотнитель прочно приклеился, непосредственно, к холодильнику;
несколько капель попали на линолеум, поэтому один мой тапок прилип к полу, и я не смог его отодрать…
…И самое ужасное – у меня слиплись пальцы на обеих руках!
Мизинец, Безымянный и Средний пальцы левой руки теперь могли сгибаться и разгибаться только синхронно. С правой рукой дело обстояло еще хуже: композиция из слипшихся пальцев более всего напомнила мне фигуру, коей староверы осеняют себя, во время Крестного Знамения.
С характерным криком: «Да, ё..аный же ты в рот!..», оставшимися пальцами, я схватил посудомоечную тряпку, и с размаху приклеил ее к двери холодильника. Буквально, следом, я квалифицированно приклеил туда же кухонное полотенце и прихватку для сковороды.
…Час я потеряно бродил по квартире в одном тапке, потрясая слипшимися руками, изрыгая невнятные проклятья в адрес той сволочи, которая додумалась выпустить в открытую продажу клей, которым можно запросто залепить пробоину в подводной лодке. Печатать сценарий тремя свободными пальцами я все равно не мог.
…К восьми утра, усиленно обкусывая застывший клей зубами, мне, наконец, удалось освободить обе руки.
…Кровавыми пальцами я отодрал от свитера подлый, ставший уже волосатым, тюбик, и вышвырнул его в окно.
…Холодильник открылся с пятого раза. Частью уплотнителя пришлось пожертвовать.
…Ножницы я выкинул.
…Подошву тапка с линолеума я удалил зубилом.
…Рисунок прихватки для сковороды до сих пор иногда проступает на двери холодильника.
…Сценарий я сдал с опозданием на день.
…Немецкая клавиатура у друга до сих пор…

веселуха..